a poem

I am re-blogging this poem from a sweet, insightful, thoughtful, and brave friend of mine. I just like it, a lot.

“the year of letting go, 

of understanding loss. 

grace. 

of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. 

the year of humanity/humility. 

when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. 

everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’

the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. 

the year i learnt small talk. 

and how to smile at strangers. 

the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’ 

the year of sugar, everywhere.

 softness. 

sweetness. 

honey honey. 

the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. 

the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. 

the year i made peace and love, right here.”

- Warsan Shire

cosmetics

"Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic." -Rosalind Russell

Stories

When my grandpa came down to Loma Linda for the International Vegetarian Congress in February, he also came to visit me. My grandma wasn't able to attend, but she sent him with a camera, so he could catch her up on all my doings. He took pictures of my house, my yard, my boyfriend washing dishes... everything.

He had a little bits of advice on this and that... my migraines, my studies, my love life.

And at the end of his trip, he made a special visit to my house to make sure he hadn't been too nosy. Which, of course, I told him he hadn't been... because I knew his intentions were good.

On Saturday evening of that weekend, we were all sitting in my dining room snacking and sharing stories. In fact I think we were even eating some homemade ice cream, which is probably what spurred my grandpa's memory of a long ago camping trip. As the story went, it was our second annual "cousins + Grandaddy only camping trip." During the previous year's trip, we had stopped at the campground's restaurant to buy ice cream cones. And naturally, to my six-year-old-self, it was a memory that stuck. As this camping trip was drawing to a close and the final night was upon us, I went to my grandpa and whispered in his ear, "Grandaddy, are we going to continue our tradition of getting ice cream cones?" How could he refuse?

And a tradition was started.

I miss my grandpa's stories. He was full of them. And that's just what has been bothering me lately. It's like a whole lifetime of stories are gone now. Sure, some of those stories are known by others, but like the story of my ice cream tradition - some of those stories aren't known by anyone else.

Just think about how wonderful heaven is going to be. When we can all sit together and none of the stories will be forgotten.

Granddad Sloop

It's late and my brain won't stop, so I decided to get up and go through some pictures to see what I could find. Not all of these are particularly flattering or good quality, but the memories are superb.

Senior Rec, UCA 2007 

Cousins, minus Sasha - May 2008

Thanksgiving 2009 

Mothers' Day 2010 

1st Great-Grandbaby! Stella!

One the many COUSINS camping trips:

Legs up! 

Holding on for dear life! 

As usual, Grandaddy is napping amidst the chaos.

Great picture!

I just had to add this one, such a great reminder of how happy Rachelle was during this trip (or something haha).

Cousin line-up

Jacob and Rachelle got along so well during this trip. If Rachelle hadn't wanted to marry him so badly.... :) 

Granddaddy and Grandmother with Sasha at my HS graduation.

Rachelle and Granddad

Here I am clearly trying to get away from some piece of advice or compliment :)

UCA grad

pain

(I don't know what's with the font..)

You never expect one of your own family members to go missing. That only happens in movies, on TV, to other people. This is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience. Six days of searching, and still no signs of my grandpa. Nothing makes any sense.

I’m thankful I got to go home to WA this past weekend. One of my best friends, Melinda, got married today, so I was already planning to be home. Beautiful Melinda, wonderful wedding. It was so fun to meet all her CUC friends and spend time with her family.

I went back and forth between my grandmother’s house and Melinda’s house.  At my grandmother’s - phone calls, emails, skype calls, pacing, eating, theories, anxiety. At Melinda’s - happiness, smiles, laughter, decorating, parties. And of course, that’s how a wedding should be. But how do I transition between pain and joy?

It was a hard weekend, for sure. Not how any of us had planned. So many questions, so much pain. One minute, I am realistic, the next minute some piece of news raises my hopes. Then I am crushed. How do I respond to those who want to comfort me? How do I comfort my precious grandmother? How do we celebrate my dad’s birthday? Oh, this is so hard.

And this is my grandpa. My grandaddy. The one who took all of us cousins camping every summer from the time I was five until I was eighteen. The one who taught me to water ski. The one who had an endless supply of nicknames, including Jenna-feather and Jenna-pester. The one who kept the pool semi-clean all summer so we could swim every single day. The one who has always given advice - wanted or unwanted. The one who has brought so much joy to countless numbers of people. The one who pretend sniffles and cries whenever we whine and complain. The one who whistles at you when he wants your attention. The one that the entire city of Yakima knows and loves, and half the pacific northwest (or so it seems). The one with 2BWELL on his license plate. The one who lives up on the Sloop Slopes. I could go on and on. Why would this happen to him?

My family has been shown so much love and support, and we are so incredibly grateful. And I wish that could take away the hurt. I wish that would bring my grandpa home. But I guess only God can do that. I wish I knew what his plan was here.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid... For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6

what an interesting combination of genetics.

Today I realized that I really need people to be sympathetic and give a little encouragement when I'm having a rough day. However, I am also one of the least sympathetic people I know, so I probably don't return the favor very well.

I think that makes me a terrible person.

I've been told I'm getting better though... you can all hope :)

just 85 more didactic days (not that I'm counting)

Lauren bursts in through the garage door as only Lauren can...

"Ohhhh Jenny! Wanna share a prune cake with me?!"

Why yes, yes I do.

This has become a trademark of exam week.